I once was working with a young man who had a lot of social anxiety. We’ll call him Miguel.
Miguel had a good group of friends, but every time he hung out with them he would start to feel really anxious. And then when he was at a party he would make some joke or say something, and then he’d start to worry: “Did I say the wrong thing? Did I hurt her feelings?”
Or if one group of friends split off to the pool and another invited him to the game room, he would panic a little, feeling terrified — terrified because he didn’t know which group to go with.
Then he’d start thinking “Oh, I can’t believe I’m getting anxious again. I’m such a loser.” And then he’d think “Don’t think that way! What’s the matter with you? Don’t feel anxious! Why do you always do this?” and he would start going back and forth in his head, fighting his negative thoughts and trying not to feel anxious.
And if he couldn’t get his anxious thoughts to go away, he’d feel uncomfortable and go home early.
In this example, Miguel was fused with his thoughts in two ways. The first way was that when he was trying to hang out with his friends, he got all wrapped up in trying to make his thoughts go away. He was focusing all his energy on fighting his thoughts, and that kept him stuck or fused to them instead of putting his energy into having a good time.
The second way that he would get fused with his thoughts is that he had an unwritten rule that he didn’t even know about. He didn’t notice he was thinking it, and it colored everything he did.
Let me show you:
When I asked Miguel why he would get anxious, he said “Well, I always worry that I might say something wrong or that I might offend someone or hurt someone’s feelings.”
And I asked “What do you mean?”
He said “Well, I always overthink everything I say. After hanging out, I always worry that something I said might have bothered someone or that a joke I made might have hurt someone’s feelings, and I just hate dealing with the drama.”
“What drama?” I asked.
“Well, let’s say a couple of my friends invite me to do something with them but they don’t invite my other friend, and then my other friend invites me to do something that same night. How do I say no to the other friend without making them feel bad?”
I asked a followup question. “So they aren’t being dramatic; you’re just worrying?”
He said “Yeah.”
“What are you most afraid of?” I asked.
“That I might make someone feel bad by saying no,” he responded.
I realized something and said “Sounds like you have a rule in your head that you’re never allowed to ever make anyone feel bad.”
He thought for a second. “Hmm, I guess so. I never noticed that I had that rule, but now that you say that I think you’re right. Once I had a girlfriend who I wanted to break up with, but I didn’t for like a year because I didn’t want to make her feel bad.”
“Yeah, that’s a great example.” I said
“Or if the food is terrible or cooked wrong at a restaurant and the waiter asks how’s the food, I always say ‘great,’ even if it’s a lie.”
This young man didn’t realize he was thinking “I can never make anyone feel bad,” and this rule that he didn’t know he had was making him really anxious. He had bought that thought — believed it — without even noticing that he was thinking that way.
In Miguel’s case, he was stuck to his thoughts. This was keeping him from being present with his friends. When we buy our thoughts, when we believe everything we think, it makes it hard for us to change.
Your boss emails you. He wants to meet with you in two days. He doesn’t say why. Your heart drops. You feel sick. “What did I do wrong?” you think. “He’s gonna fire me,” you think.
You spend the next two days obsessing over every little thing that you’ve done, every little thing he said. You’re looking for clues at night. You lay awake. Your brain won’t shut up. It just rehashes everything at work over and over and over.
And then during the day you have a hard time focusing. You struggle to complete tasks. You catch yourself zoning out and just worrying about what he’s going to say. You start asking your coworkers and managers for any clues. Your spouse is getting tired of hearing your endless worries. And finally the time comes for your meeting, and you walk into his office with your heart just sinking.
Your boss looks stressed. He looks tense. “Take a seat,” he says, and then he tells you that the manager above you is quitting and he was wondering if you’d like to take the role.
It comes with more responsibility but also better pay. He tells you that he’s heard a lot of good things that you’re doing and that he thinks you’re a perfect fit for the job. You’re thrilled. And while the new position will take some training, it’s a great move for you. You breathe a sigh of relief. All that worrying was for nothing. You say thank you, you smile, and you leave the office.
Then as you walk out, you immediately start obsessing about why you were such an idiot to worry so much. “What’s the matter with me?” you say, and then you start worrying about your new job. “Will I be good enough? Can I handle it?” And the cycle of overthinking starts all over again.
Does that sound familiar? If you’re an overthinker, you know this cycle well. And it’s easy to feel helpless to stop the constant cycle of overthinking and worrying.
Now, there’s at least four types of overthinking: rumination about the past, worry about the future, overanalyzing decisions, and social anxiety (as in, “Why did I say that?”) But you can learn the skills to stop overthinking. So in this post you’re going to learn eight ways to stop overthinking and get back to living your life.
Rumination is the technical term for overthinking, and it literally means chewing the cud.
I grew up in an agricultural society, and in case you didn’t know, cows will regurgitate their food into their mouth, chew it, swallow it, and repeat. And they’ll do that over and over again, and then it’s going to go through four different chambers of their stomachs. They spend a third of their day ruminating.
If you’re a cow, that’s great. It helps you process your food. But if you’re a human, ruminating can harm your mental health. Overthinking is associated with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and OCD. But it’s a chicken-and-an-egg situation, right? Overthinking causes anxiety and depression, and anxiety and depression can contribute to overthinking.
But overthinking is not your identity. It’s not who you are. It’s a habit you learned. It’s something that you do, but it’s not a permanent trait. You can learn the skills to stop overthinking, and when you practice them, you can change your brain.
So if overthinking is so harmful, why do we do it? When it comes to our minds, we keep doing things that we accidentally reward. We keep overthinking because we get some short-term benefit from it. So here’s four rewards you may get from overthinking.
The first one is a false sense of control. You might believe that if you analyze a situation to death, you might be able to control everything about it.
The second one is you convince yourself that you can avoid any chance of messing up by trying to be perfect instead. So you have to think over and over and over again about how to be perfect.
The third way that overthinking is rewarding is you can’t tolerate uncertainty. You’re addicted to reassurance and knowing outcomes, or at least trying to control outcomes by thinking about every possible outcome. You think that if you plan out every single detail you can make everything perfect.
Now, if you look carefully at these rewards, they’re all about avoiding fear. There’s something deep down that you’re scared of, and you think that if you just compulsively think about it that you can control it and keep yourself safe when instead, that backfires.
The fourth reward that comes from overthinking is you imagine that overthinking is some kind of important work. You feel like you’re doing something when you’re thinking about something.
Ready to change your life? Buy the full, ad-free Emotion Processing course now for only $147: https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com/emotion-processing?utm_campaign=Jul%2002,%202021&utm_medium=Description&utm_source=podcast We swim through our thoughts like a fish swims through water. We don’t even notice that the way we think colors our view of the world. Or sometimes we do notice thoughts that we don’t like, and then we don’t know what to do with them. Sometimes you fight them or struggle against them, but that doesn’t feel any better. So sometimes you get stuck in an endless loop of overthinking, obsessively struggling against a thought. But that’s not any better, because struggle steals your attention and energy. In this episode you’re going to learn how to get unstuck from your thoughts. You’re going to learn how to look at your thoughts instead of through them. This skill is called cognitive defusion. Looking for affordable online counseling? My sponsor, BetterHelp, connects you to a licensed professional for $65/week. Try it now for 10% off: https://betterhelp.com/therapyinanuts… Learn more in one of my in-depth mental health courses: https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=07022021 Support my mission on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/therapyinanut… Sign up for my newsletter: https://www.therapynutshell.com?utm_medium=YTDescription&utm_source=podcast Check out my favorite self-help books: https://kit.co/TherapyinaNutshell/bes… Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health. In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life’s direction. And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/believe If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency services. Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC —- Music licensed from www.Bensound.com or Artlist.io Images from Freepik.com (premium license), Pixabay, or Wikimedia commons
