When A Medical Student Struggles with BPD
Photo by Hush Naidoo on Unsplash
The first thing that came up to my mind when I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) by my own teacher, who is a psychiatrist, is “Should I stop this journey of becoming a doctor? Should I stop dreaming to be a doctor? Should I give up on this?”. Surely, my psychiatrist didn’t tell me to end my study, or even to get some days off. She simply told me to learn more about BPD, the pathophysiology of it, the treatments of it, and everything about it that I might only find in scientific journals.
After getting the diagnosis, I went home with confusion and even, some denial feelings. “This can’t be true. This can’t be true.” but everything I had felt was so real, all of the symptoms of BPD does exist in my life and everything about my past relationship, some depressive episodes in my past, and some impulsive things that almost got me in a car accident (An event that has made me feel scared of learning how to drive again) was as real as my skin.
It took a few weeks to finally accept the diagnosis. Some weeks of pessimism and confusion, luckily the antidepressant kicked in and it definitely helped me going on for the first few weeks after the diagnosis. My life started to change bit by bit. I started to jog every evening, to have a routine meal schedule, to have a sleeping schedule. I started to live by some daily schedules and stick to it. I started to read more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I started writing a diary of my feelings. I started to learn how to identify my emotions and to search for a solution to keep myself in a euthymic state.
Months later, things seemed well. I’ve learned to control my mood. I was brave enough to live my days without drugs. My psychiatrist was happy about how I have progressed so well in handling my BPD symptoms. However, medical school is a place full of stressors. After I thought I was stable and well to control my BPD, things happened and changed my mind.
My medical report was stolen in a ward. It got me confronted by the attending in there. And when I asked my senior about it, the medical report might be stolen by a nurse because the nurses in the ward don’t like medical students that much. The environment was somehow toxic to me and it got me feeling worthless again. Also, I became a leader of a project in the Obstetrics and Gynecology Department and things didn’t go well. It all led me to be yelled at by my teachers, telling how disappointed they were in me. For me, it wrecked my heart. I always wanted to do my best and when I failed, I found it hard to move on. After that, I took my Lorazepam, and Lorazepam saved me from drowning to the thoughts of ending my life and harming my self.
Somehow my heart got broken by someone I liked and it definitely put me into a kind of depressive mood for days and weeks. It suddenly felt like an exhausting day every day and I found it difficult to keep up with the study. But I took my antidepressant, and it saved me from attempting suicide.
Then came the department that’s known as the most mean department to medical students judging by the seniority and the perfection it demands, the strict teachers, the residents, and the disrespectful nurses in it. Every day felt like hell to me. I became irritable. I got angry almost every day. I struggled with the hardship of managing my anger. It led me to feel exhausted every day and I found it also difficult to keep up with the study because of such feelings. I didn’t take any drugs. However, I did some self-harm again. Some of my BPD symptoms started coming again more often. After the rotation in the department ended, I finally realized I needed to do more to recover from BPD.
Then came the psychiatry department. The environment was really constructive and inspiring. However, things happened between me and my friends and it definitely brought me to the worst state of my mental health again. Not to mention the patients in psychiatry were somehow really exhausting and hard to handle. That time, I told myself, “No, it’s enough. You’ve had enough BPD crisis.”. I got back up. I sorted things out with my friends, telling about my whole condition. I kept my hands from my antidepressants. Instead, I started to search for more solutions to keep my mood in the euthymic state. I read about mindfulness and DBT. I created a specific plan for my BPD that included the strict daily routines of meals and exercises, mindfulness exercise routines, and I got more discipline with my CBT diary.
Now, here I am, still struggling with my BPD. It seemed like I was always optimistic about my BPD progress since the diagnosis. The truth is, there were times when I felt so hopeless. I felt so hopeless that I didn’t do my CBT again, that I stopped sticking to my daily schedules anymore. There were times when I felt I could never recover from BPD. There were times when I wanted to quit my study and change my dream. Worse, there were times when all I thought was to consume high dosed drugs to end my life.
So, what kept me going?
God’s will, my parents’ prayer, and some life-changing moments in the hospital. There was a time when I met a patient who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in Remission. There was also a time when I met a patient with Schizoaffective Disorder and he really did well in his life. To see all of their progress has put me in awe. It struck me. If he could go through it all well, it means there’s also a way for me to go through all of this, and even to recover from BPD. No matter how constant the stressors in the hospital, there must be a way for me to recover from this personality disorder.
So now, what do I do to reach the remission of BPD?
I stick to my daily schedules more strictly. I do mindfulness exercise every day. I explore more ways to modify my neurotransmitters (the core of why BPD symptoms occur) by reading books and journals about it. I practice my CBT more often and I try to avoid distractions as my ways to reach euthymic state. Instead, I focus more on modifying my thoughts during my CBT. And perhaps, someday I will go to a psychologist to explore more about the roots of this BPD. The stressors in the hospital won’t stop coming. The killer teachers still gonna yell, sometimes hurt and break your self-esteem. The selfish residents still gonna hurt your feelings sometimes. The disrespectful nurses still gonna disrespect. The stubborn patients still gonna burden you. Some friends still gonna bring you down. But that’s how life is. Just because you have a mental diagnosis, doesn’t mean everyone in the world can support you. That is a fact. But that doesn’t have to stop you from chasing your dreams. That doesn’t have to stop you from recovering from your mental illness. You can choose to stop, but you can also choose to keep going and fight harder. I choose to keep going and fight to death.
God gave me a dream to become a doctor. He definitely gave me an opportunity to become a doctor by allowing me to become a medical student. I know He gave it to me for a reason, for significant reasons. But He also gave me BPD for a reason. The reason that I still haven’t found yet. But I believe I’ll find it someday. I believe all of this struggle won’t go to waste. All I need to do now is to keep going and keep struggling no matter how hard it seems.
I agree with Goro. Unless you have it fully under control, I don’t recommend going into it. I can tell you this from experience, as I recently took a leave of absence due to depression. I was getting better up until med school started, and then it all went downhill from there. I was spiralling out of control. I regret my decision to push through and “move on with my life anyway,” when I wasn’t really ready to. I guess I felt the pressure of starting my career. But trust me when I tell you, it IS a furnace. And if you are a person who inherently has a difficult time coping or balancing your life (even something as simple as your sleep schedule), like me, it can really break you down. That being said, if this is what your passion is, don’t let the diagnosis stop you. They key is to remeber to go only when you’re ready and have your condition fully under control, and not a second before then. Best of luck!
